One of Those Nights

One of those nights where I have millions of things to say and can’t utter a single word. A night where I’m feeling every feeling simultaneously. Where I’m on sensory overload. Every sound, color, smell, any sensation really, is enough to send me into high anxiety mode. Every thought leaves me with the desire to cry, scream, laugh, crawl into a hole and die and everything in-between all at once. Everything. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Is just too much. WAY too much.

Yet at my core I feel hollow, empty. My logic argues with this feeling. “We had a wonderful day. What the hell is your problem?” Yet I can’t shake it, no matter how hard I try. Maybe some sleep will help. Tomorrow will be better.

I Just May Be a Criminal

Lady night was date night. Yay! Date nights are great. Only lately we’ve been looking at each other like the vultures from The Jungle Book going “what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“Now don’t start that again!”


So I did what any self respecting white girl would do. I went on Pinterest. There I have amassed a whole board of pins just for such an occasion.
You say you don’t know what Pinterest is? Wow. Okay, I’ll do my best to explain. People find things they like on the Internet and need a way to get back to those websites. Sure you could bookmark it, but then you forget what the description you wrote was for, if you even wrote one. Enter Pinterest. Pinterest acts as a personal pin board, only others can see what you’ve pinned unless you set it to secret. You can search Pinterest itself for cool ideas as well. Why is this superior to bookmarking? You have a photo to go with the description, not to Mentone the fact that you can group you pins on different boards by topic. So yeah, that’s Pinterest in a nutshell.
Anywho, I found this cool idea about doing something nice for others on your date night. Most of the ideas they gave weren’t going to work for us because of time and other issues, but we came up with our own idea. Write silly notes like “Smile”, “have a nice night”, and “hey its almost Friday!” And stick them on people’s cars.
We were by restaurants that would be closing soon so we decided maybe they could use a silly note of encouragement, so they were our first “victims”. Then we hit a 24 hour grocery store. After that, we figured that some doctors and nurses at the ER really deserved to know they’re appreciated. We thought about hitting the men and women in blue, but didn’t think that would be very wise.
The whole time we were doing this, we were acting like total dorks. At one point we were acting like secret agents or something. It was great to be so silly. It helped take my mind off of everything that’s been going on lately.
I’ll probably never know if those notes made anyone smile or brightened their day, but that’s okay. I don’t need to know. I just hope that someone, even just one person, got a kick out of getting a silly note like that. I don’t think this is the last time we do this and I think next time, we’ll be more prepared. We’ll plan where we’re going and make the notes more specific. Any way you slice it, it was a fun night.

Happy World Has Bipolar Day! Or Something…

So today (well technically yesterday) is world bipolar day! Yay! And this clearly means that us bipolars have now successfully succeeded in contaminating the rest of the population. Pandemic status has officially been reached. Achievement unlocked!


Wait what?  That’s not what this is about? Pshhh nuh uh. I know my bipolar. I know how this goes. We get bipolar, we infect the world, we get manic and try to take over the world Pinky and The Brain style. It’s the master plan.

Are you seriously trying to tell me that world bipolar day is to raise awareness about bipolar disorder? To dispel the stigma and prejudices against those who have it. That it’s not contagious and bipolar people don’t want to take over the world? Mmhmmm. Sure.

Yes I know that 10-20% of people with bipolar disorder attempt suicide. And that most of the general population isn’t aware that manic depression and bipolar disorder are one in the same. It’s true that most people who suffer don’t get diagnosed until their mid twenties, leaving them at greater risk for issues in their teens. I’m aware that if we had better mental health services and the general populace was more knowledgeable of the condition, our triggers and symptoms might be noticed more often, potentially keeping us safer.

Why do you think we want to take over the world? If everyone has bipolar, they’ll finally get it, right? Well… actually, I don’t want everyone to go through what I do. I just want to be loved and accepted. To have people around me who will support me and look out for me. Who will care enough to know my triggers and signs that I might be spiraling out of control. I want love, support, acceptance and medical care that doesn’t leave me feeling like a pariah. Just like everyone else. Is that too much to ask?

Guess! Those! Meds!

***DISCLAIMER*** Be sure to read this in your best game show host voice***

It’s that time my friends! Get ready for some entertainment. I’m the next contestant on Guess! Those! Meds! Let’s meet the meds! Our first med is good at making the migraine that’s lasted a month and a half go away. The second is great for those times when you’re… (lowers voice) feeling a little anxious. The lovely pill in our number three spot hails from just about the dawn of time. Probably the oldest of its type, this little beauty is great at getting you on an even keel again. Pill number four is number three’s little helper with the bonus of keeping those pesky seizures at bay. And those are the meds!
Now let’s meet our contestant! Betty, come on down! Betty hails from the Midwest where she’s grown tired of the dreary winter and can’t wait to take a long walk on the beach and let her toes sink into the warm sand. Let’s hear it for her folks!
Now Betty, you know how this works right? You get three questions to ask these wonderful meds. Okay great! Lest play Guess! Those! Meds!

Okay meds, which one of you will make me sleepy? I’m a busy lady and I can’t be a walking zombie you know.

Med 1: well baby, I might make you a little drowsy, but I’ll keep that headache of your mind, if you know what I mean.

Med 2: I’ll knock you out, but you’ll be so relaxed before I do, you’ll feel like you’re drifting on a cloud.

Med 3: You might get sleepy at first but you’ll get used to it over time and I’m in this for the long haul.

Med 4: compared to what they’ll do to you, I’ll be as sweet and gentle as can be.

Betty: thanks everyone! That was very informative. Maybe a bit too informative, number one. (giggles) Question two, will you upset my tummy? It can be sensitive you know.

Med 1: I guess it’s too soon to see.

Med 2: Nah. You’ll be too relaxed to be upset.

Med 3: I’ll try not to but to be safe you’d better eat something beforehand.

Med 4: It’s possible. It depends on the alignments of the planets or something. I can’t remember.

Good to know. My last question is WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO TAKE YOU ALL? I really hate taking meds period and now I’m on 4? 4 meds every day. And that’s not even the supplements I should be taking! Taking these meds is totally cramping my style. Not taking them cramps it even worse. Guess I’m destined to live with the lesser of two evils. (Storms off stage)

Ooookay folks, well uh, that’s all the time we have for this episode of Guess! Those! Meds! Have a wonderful evening and we’ll see you next time. Don’t forget to take your meds!

F**k You, Friday the 13th

Life has been interesting lately. The mixed episode coaster I’m on sure isn’t helping. I woke up determined to have a good day and for a bit, I did. It’s funny how the little things can beat you down as the day goes on. I went from feeling happy, positive, and motivated to lost, lonely, and unloved all in the course of a day. Hooray for being bipolar. And to being extra sensitive the what others say and do.

This entry was posted on March 14, 2015. 1 Comment

It’s late and I’m still up. Only I’m not upset by this at all. I had a great time hanging out with a friend of mine today. I’ve known her for almost 20 years now (wow that’s scary to say) and she’s one of my *people*. We have that kind of friendship where you can go months without having an in depth conversation and still pick up like you just had lunch yesterday. I’m so blessed to have her in my life. She listened to me talk about my issues, share some of get own, made me laugh and was there for me in general.

To add to the wonderful night, my eldest had tea with us and joined us in some conversation. I love these happy times with her. Being that she’ll be a legal adult later this year I worry that these special moments will become even more rare. We looked at some pictures tonight and all I could think was how fast time flies. It saddens me. I need to sleep.

Holy Year and a Half Hiatus, Batman!

I apparently decided to treat my blog like a old raggedy journal and stuff it under my bed and forget about it for almost forever. Sorry blog!


As if we need any reminding 😂

I’m kicking myself for doing so. I forgot how therapudic writing can be. And boy, do I need some therapy right about now. Let’s just say life has been having a feels day with me lately. Yes feels. As in its making me feel as sorts of stuff. Some good, some bad, mostly stressful though. I’m not going to get into too much right now but let’s just say if you’re the praying/positive energy sending type, I could use some if you don’t mind.

There’s something that’s been bothering me lately that doesn’t seem to have much to do with my issues lately. Or maybe it has LOTS to do with it. I haven’t quite decided yet. Maybe you can help.

For the last few days I’ve needed to avoid Facebook altogether. Between the negativity and drama I can’t stand it. This is nothing new though. I’ve done this before. What’s new this time is I’m mad. Mad at some family and friends (Legitimately? Maybe? Maybe not?) because of the status of our relationships. As in I feel like I have next to no contact with some of them.

Now don’t get it twisted, I know for a fact that I’m not great at keeping in contact with people and that I’m part or even mostly to blame for the distance I’m feeling. What gets me is when I ask people to come by or try to make plans with them and they say they’re too busy or they’ll have to get back to me and never do. Then I see pics and statuses on Facebook about how they’re having so much fun going out to do this or that or, even better, complaining that they have nothing to do.

Now I know what you’re thinking. But what if they had those plans before you asked? What if they had plans and they fell through? Okay I could see that. But all the time? It gets hurtful.

Maybe I’m being too sensitive. Maybe I shouldn’t care. But these are people in my life who mean the world to me and I really want to be closer to them. I wonder if that matters even more to me now that I’m going through some stuff. Maybe I need shoulders to lean on and I’m not seeing any. Maybe they don’t know how bad I need them right now. It’s not like I’m great at admitting that. Better to get pissed than to actually show some vulnerability, right? 

I’ve extended dinner invites, suggested going out for lunch, and said I miss you and it would be great to hang out. Maybe what I need to say is I love you, I miss you and I really need you in my life right now. And maybe add on, hey I’m a stubborn dumbass. Please check in on me if you haven’t heard from me in a week or two because it probably means I’m going through some shit and feel like I’ll drag you down with me if you’re around me.

Yeah that sounds like a plan. Now to implement it. Hmmm….


Something is in the Air…

School has started for the semester.  This means a few things.  The first is that I have more time to be me instead of being mom.  It also means that all that time will be spent pouring over books, preparing for quizzes, and generally trying to fill my brain until it either A) explodes outwardly with great force or B) implodes and I wind up rocking in the fetal position in a corner somewhere.  I’m hoping for option B.  It’s a lot less messy.

Good news is, I’m still in beginning of the semester bliss mode.  I feel on top of the world and like nothing can stop me.  It’s nice to feel this way, but the realistic side of me knows it’s not going to last.  That’s for future Amanda to worry about.  For now, I’m hoping to ride this bliss wave until at least mid semester.

The kids are all back in school now, too.  I can’t believe that we have a high schooler, two middle schoolers, and only two left in elementary school.  I feel older this semester than I ever have.  Maybe it’s because of the kids.  Maybe the fact that I’m 30 is finally setting in.  Or maybe I’m just a crotchety old lady who refuses to resign herself to the fact that her eldest child will be in college in a couple years.  I swear though, some of these incoming freshman look younger than her.  I’m not even old enough to feel this old.  Or maybe I’m just in denial. 

The BF’s even looking to go back to school.  He’s been getting info on a local online school that’s very well known.  It seems academia is in the air.

Oh and love.  Love is in the air too.  I just had a cousin get married and another one get engaged all on the same day.  It was so sweet.  When I was telling my friend about it, she asked me if I elbowed the BF and asked where my ring was.  It would be nice to get a ring eventually, but I’m in no big rush.  We have a lot of things to accomplish before we can walk down an aisle together and I really want to do things right this time. 

Speaking of my first marriage, it would have been 13 years yesterday.  Now don’t get all sad and apologetic.  I spent yesterday wishing I felt better (I just got over a nasty flu) so I could celebrate the fact that I’m not with him.  I will say one thing about that relationship (aside from the fact that I’m glad he’s gone) it taught me a lot.  I’ve learned so much about myself as a person.  I know how strong I am.  I know where my weaknesses lie.  I learned what I want out of life.  Because of that failed marriage, I know what I want out of my next one.  I know what I will and won’t deal with.  Most of all, I learned never say never because sometimes, walking away is the best thing you can do.

There’s No Place Like “Home”

So I’ve been back from Oregon for a month now almost to the day. That means two things. 1. I’m a serious slacker who leaves her followers hanging big time after a major vacation and B. It’s time for another vacation. 😉

Hmm, where to start. I guess I’ll start at the beginning. One day, long ago, my mom meet my dad and they fell in love. Oh. That’s too far back you say? Okay, guess I’ll start with the vacation then.

The train ride out there was quite the experience. There was some stress in getting to the train station and then some uncertainty as to which car we should be on, but once we were on the train, things began to calm down. I’m happy to report that the kids were all fairly well behaved despite the four hour delay coming into Portland. I’m not so pleased to admit that they didn’t really play with the felt potato heads I made. Ah well. Live and learn I suppose.

The scenery as we came into the Washington/Oregon area was gorgeous. I nearly cried as I saw my first mountains and spotted pelicans for the first time. I was very surprised by the emotional response I was having.

It didn’t end there. Every aspect of our trip triggered something deep in me that I couldn’t quite put my finger on at first. Seeing the “Keep Portland Weird” billboard across from Voodoo Doughnuts, swimming at Foster Dam, puting my feet in the Pacific for the very first time, meeting the boyfriend’s amazing family and friends, and eating seafood so fresh that it was probably still swimming around the day before all elated me beyond reason. So I did what I always do. I self analyzed the heck out of it.

I realized that these extreme emotional responses stemmed from something that I never really had in Wisconsin. A feeling of belonging. Not as much in the communal sense, as I have had that in certain aspects here (even though it’s lacking quite a bit in my opinion) but in the sense of feeling like I fit in with my surroundings.

I was born and raised right here. Every place I’ve ever lived is within 25 minutes of anywhere else I’ve ever lived. It’s only been in the last couple years that I’ve even started to branch out and frequent other local cities. So, for a long while, this city was all I’ve known. And I’ve always hated it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve developed a new found appreciation for my city. I no longer totally despise it. Even with that new found appreciation, I still don’t feel like I fit here. I feel like a puzzle piece that someone crammed into a spot it doesn’t belong. It fits, sorta, but it’s not supposed to.

I never knew what to do about that feeling. I’ve known for a long time that I wanted to move away. The question was always where to though. I thought I had the answer once and my ex and I attempted to move to Kentucky. That didn’t work out so well (thankfully). My reasons for trying to move there were because he had family there and I liked it better than where we were living. I thought Kentucky was adorable, but I was never head-over-heels in love with it.

Enter Oregon, with its sexy waterfalls, luscious forests and majestic mountains. I never stood a chance. It was love at first sight for sure. The 8 days we had together were some of the best I’ve ever had. Alas, like all good things, it had to come to an end.

Today was a particularly rough day. I never knew someone could be so homesick for somewhere they’ve never actually lived. I often find myself daydreaming about moving out there, but today was horrible, so I was ready to pack up my hanky, tie it to a stick, and run away from here. I managed to resist the urge, but only just barely. I just have to keep telling myself only 13 more years….