One of Those Nights

One of those nights where I have millions of things to say and can’t utter a single word. A night where I’m feeling every feeling simultaneously. Where I’m on sensory overload. Every sound, color, smell, any sensation really, is enough to send me into high anxiety mode. Every thought leaves me with the desire to cry, scream, laugh, crawl into a hole and die and everything in-between all at once. Everything. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Is just too much. WAY too much.

Yet at my core I feel hollow, empty. My logic argues with this feeling. “We had a wonderful day. What the hell is your problem?” Yet I can’t shake it, no matter how hard I try. Maybe some sleep will help. Tomorrow will be better.

I Just May Be a Criminal

Lady night was date night. Yay! Date nights are great. Only lately we’ve been looking at each other like the vultures from The Jungle Book going “what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“Now don’t start that again!”


So I did what any self respecting white girl would do. I went on Pinterest. There I have amassed a whole board of pins just for such an occasion.
You say you don’t know what Pinterest is? Wow. Okay, I’ll do my best to explain. People find things they like on the Internet and need a way to get back to those websites. Sure you could bookmark it, but then you forget what the description you wrote was for, if you even wrote one. Enter Pinterest. Pinterest acts as a personal pin board, only others can see what you’ve pinned unless you set it to secret. You can search Pinterest itself for cool ideas as well. Why is this superior to bookmarking? You have a photo to go with the description, not to Mentone the fact that you can group you pins on different boards by topic. So yeah, that’s Pinterest in a nutshell.
Anywho, I found this cool idea about doing something nice for others on your date night. Most of the ideas they gave weren’t going to work for us because of time and other issues, but we came up with our own idea. Write silly notes like “Smile”, “have a nice night”, and “hey its almost Friday!” And stick them on people’s cars.
We were by restaurants that would be closing soon so we decided maybe they could use a silly note of encouragement, so they were our first “victims”. Then we hit a 24 hour grocery store. After that, we figured that some doctors and nurses at the ER really deserved to know they’re appreciated. We thought about hitting the men and women in blue, but didn’t think that would be very wise.
The whole time we were doing this, we were acting like total dorks. At one point we were acting like secret agents or something. It was great to be so silly. It helped take my mind off of everything that’s been going on lately.
I’ll probably never know if those notes made anyone smile or brightened their day, but that’s okay. I don’t need to know. I just hope that someone, even just one person, got a kick out of getting a silly note like that. I don’t think this is the last time we do this and I think next time, we’ll be more prepared. We’ll plan where we’re going and make the notes more specific. Any way you slice it, it was a fun night.

Happy World Has Bipolar Day! Or Something…

So today (well technically yesterday) is world bipolar day! Yay! And this clearly means that us bipolars have now successfully succeeded in contaminating the rest of the population. Pandemic status has officially been reached. Achievement unlocked!


Wait what?  That’s not what this is about? Pshhh nuh uh. I know my bipolar. I know how this goes. We get bipolar, we infect the world, we get manic and try to take over the world Pinky and The Brain style. It’s the master plan.

Are you seriously trying to tell me that world bipolar day is to raise awareness about bipolar disorder? To dispel the stigma and prejudices against those who have it. That it’s not contagious and bipolar people don’t want to take over the world? Mmhmmm. Sure.

Yes I know that 10-20% of people with bipolar disorder attempt suicide. And that most of the general population isn’t aware that manic depression and bipolar disorder are one in the same. It’s true that most people who suffer don’t get diagnosed until their mid twenties, leaving them at greater risk for issues in their teens. I’m aware that if we had better mental health services and the general populace was more knowledgeable of the condition, our triggers and symptoms might be noticed more often, potentially keeping us safer.

Why do you think we want to take over the world? If everyone has bipolar, they’ll finally get it, right? Well… actually, I don’t want everyone to go through what I do. I just want to be loved and accepted. To have people around me who will support me and look out for me. Who will care enough to know my triggers and signs that I might be spiraling out of control. I want love, support, acceptance and medical care that doesn’t leave me feeling like a pariah. Just like everyone else. Is that too much to ask?

Guess! Those! Meds!

***DISCLAIMER*** Be sure to read this in your best game show host voice***

It’s that time my friends! Get ready for some entertainment. I’m the next contestant on Guess! Those! Meds! Let’s meet the meds! Our first med is good at making the migraine that’s lasted a month and a half go away. The second is great for those times when you’re… (lowers voice) feeling a little anxious. The lovely pill in our number three spot hails from just about the dawn of time. Probably the oldest of its type, this little beauty is great at getting you on an even keel again. Pill number four is number three’s little helper with the bonus of keeping those pesky seizures at bay. And those are the meds!
Now let’s meet our contestant! Betty, come on down! Betty hails from the Midwest where she’s grown tired of the dreary winter and can’t wait to take a long walk on the beach and let her toes sink into the warm sand. Let’s hear it for her folks!
Now Betty, you know how this works right? You get three questions to ask these wonderful meds. Okay great! Lest play Guess! Those! Meds!

Okay meds, which one of you will make me sleepy? I’m a busy lady and I can’t be a walking zombie you know.

Med 1: well baby, I might make you a little drowsy, but I’ll keep that headache of your mind, if you know what I mean.

Med 2: I’ll knock you out, but you’ll be so relaxed before I do, you’ll feel like you’re drifting on a cloud.

Med 3: You might get sleepy at first but you’ll get used to it over time and I’m in this for the long haul.

Med 4: compared to what they’ll do to you, I’ll be as sweet and gentle as can be.

Betty: thanks everyone! That was very informative. Maybe a bit too informative, number one. (giggles) Question two, will you upset my tummy? It can be sensitive you know.

Med 1: I guess it’s too soon to see.

Med 2: Nah. You’ll be too relaxed to be upset.

Med 3: I’ll try not to but to be safe you’d better eat something beforehand.

Med 4: It’s possible. It depends on the alignments of the planets or something. I can’t remember.

Good to know. My last question is WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO TAKE YOU ALL? I really hate taking meds period and now I’m on 4? 4 meds every day. And that’s not even the supplements I should be taking! Taking these meds is totally cramping my style. Not taking them cramps it even worse. Guess I’m destined to live with the lesser of two evils. (Storms off stage)

Ooookay folks, well uh, that’s all the time we have for this episode of Guess! Those! Meds! Have a wonderful evening and we’ll see you next time. Don’t forget to take your meds!

F**k You, Friday the 13th

Life has been interesting lately. The mixed episode coaster I’m on sure isn’t helping. I woke up determined to have a good day and for a bit, I did. It’s funny how the little things can beat you down as the day goes on. I went from feeling happy, positive, and motivated to lost, lonely, and unloved all in the course of a day. Hooray for being bipolar. And to being extra sensitive the what others say and do.

This entry was posted on March 14, 2015. 1 Comment

It’s late and I’m still up. Only I’m not upset by this at all. I had a great time hanging out with a friend of mine today. I’ve known her for almost 20 years now (wow that’s scary to say) and she’s one of my *people*. We have that kind of friendship where you can go months without having an in depth conversation and still pick up like you just had lunch yesterday. I’m so blessed to have her in my life. She listened to me talk about my issues, share some of get own, made me laugh and was there for me in general.

To add to the wonderful night, my eldest had tea with us and joined us in some conversation. I love these happy times with her. Being that she’ll be a legal adult later this year I worry that these special moments will become even more rare. We looked at some pictures tonight and all I could think was how fast time flies. It saddens me. I need to sleep.