So my blog yesterday was a bit… well choppy. That’s how I was feeling. Like the waves of my soul had hit tsunami status. Today is calmer. The tidal waves have calmed themselves and are no longer city destroying, but they would still keep any sensible surfer out of the water. Sometimes, keeping my head above them seems to be more effort than it’s worth. I’m not talking suicide, more about allowing myself to sink to the depths. I’ve been down there before though, so I know how dark and dangerous it can be. But I get so tired sometimes…
The good news is that one of my massive school projects is complete. I swear the only way I’ve made it through these last few weeks is by focusing on winter break when all the school stress will be over. For a while, anyways.
A realization hit me last night while talking to my boyfriend, though. (or monologue-ing, as he put it. Guess I can ramble sometimes. Sorry babe. I’ll work on that!) I’m worried about being on break. Right now, I have things that are keeping me going. The kids, school, appointments, running all over the place is keeping me busy. Keeping me distracted. Keeping me motivated to keep my head out of the abyss. Without school, most of that distraction is gone.
Sure, the kids, the appointments, and the running will all still be there. I’ll even have time to do some things I’ve needed to do. Hell, I may even have time to do some things I WANT to do! That’s a novel idea if I’ve ever heard one! But…
What will keep me busy while the kids are at school? What will keep me moving? What will keep me from becoming a useless lump? After these mixed states, I have a tendency to fall into the abyss. I get so tired of the waves bouncing me around like a rag doll that I just go limp and give up. The easy response is “Just Don’t.” Sure. Fine. Great. But it doesn’t always work like that. People who run marathons sometimes can’t push through to the finish. In a way, this is my marathon. My triathlon. Only I haven’t trained. Okay, I suppose I have. Each time I experience this mixed state, it takes longer to fall. Maybe my endurance is getting better. Doesn’t seem like it sometimes, but maybe..
In order to not fall again, I need to answer my questions; to give myself a plan of action. During the kids school hours I will be kept busy by going to the YMCA, doing couponing, grocery shopping, cleaning, organizing, crafting, cooking and some occasional mindless TV. Maybe I’ll find someplace to volunteer. I can connect with friends who probably think I’m dead due to the demands of my schedule over the past few months. Or find out if there’s something in my community I can get involved in. Yeah, I think those are all great ideas. I can sleep well tonight because now, I have a plan.
I just need to stick to it….