Archive | January 2013

Crazier than Nutter Butters

I really need to start taking notes when I get an idea for a blog. I had a great idea the other day when my craziness was at an all time high and now that some semblance of sanity has set in again, it’s gone. Poof. Like a fart in the wind. Oh well. Maybe inspiration will strike again soon.

Yes, I went crazy. I’m actually still kind of there, but just to a lesser degree. I managed to keep myself out of the hospital, but it took a fair amount of Xanax and a lot of patience on the parts of those around me. I’m not sure what caused this most recent decent into the darkness, but I know a few things that probably didn’t help. I find self reflection is one of the best ways to keep myself sane (or at least maintain the illusion of sanity). By acknowledging where I slipped up, I can do my best to avoid it in the future. So, here’s where I went wrong this time.

I stopped seeing my counselor. I see my shrinky dink (as I have so affectionately coined her) on campus. She’s great. She’s also ON CAMPUS. I’m a mom of five, a college student, and busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. That convenience factor is HUGE for me. It’s been winter break for the last six weeks and in that time, I’ve managed to only see her once. During the semester, we had weekly visits. It made sense. I was there practically every day anyways. Might as well. At the end of the semester, we decided it might be easier to meet every other week. That’s where I went wrong.

Any break from routine screws me up in the worst kind of way. This isn’t to say that I have every second of my like scheduled out. Oh HELL no! I would die if I had to live by a strict schedule. I do better with patterns though. A certain level of predictability. I usually try to schedule any appointments on the same days of the week and around the same times because then I can think, “Oh, it’s Thursday, appointment day. Do I have any today?”  That’s the kind of routine I strive for.

So, being used to a weekly schedule and switching to every other week may not have been disastrous had my whole entire routine not changed as well. I’m yammering on here though. I think you get the point. Lots of changes in routine all at once, bad. Little changes so things don’t fall through the cracks in my cerebral cortex causing me to loose my nutter butters, good. Mmmm. Nutter Butter. Aauuuhhhhh.. (Drools like Homer Simpson)

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Peanut buttery deliciousness, oh how I covet thee

I was also denying myself my car therapy time. For those of you newbies -Yes you in the back, it’s nice to see a new face! Welcome to my blog. Like it says, buckle up and savor the crazy- my car time is what I like to refer to as “self therapy”. I sing, I dance, I cry, scream, talk to myself in different foreign accents, whatever I need to do to let the crazy out in one of my most sacred spaces; my car. Yes, sometimes those who drive along side me get one hell of a show, but I don’t really care. Sometimes I’ll even interact with them, doing things that I know will make them look at me like I’m batty. I suppose it’s a bit like throwing a temper tantrum when I do that. I’m getting attention for all the wrong reasons at that point, but it’s attention so… you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

As you can see, my car time is whatever I need it to be. It’s very cathartic to have that release to let the nonsense out. Trust me, there’s a lot of it to be let out too. Since I haven’t been doing so, it’s been bubbling under the surface waiting to explode. That’s what it did too. All over my family. In some ways, I’m glad it was them because they love me and will forgive me. In other way, I feel beyond shitty for doing that, yet again.

As far as the bipolar scale goes, things could probably be worse. On the manic side of bipolar disorder, there often comes an impulse control issue. Many bipolar people have issues with drugs, alcohol, gambling, infidelity, spending unwisely, binge eating, disappearing and other behaviors that involve poor judgement. Then, there’s the depression side of things to add on to that. I’ve been lucky enough to only experience a few of those and keep the majority of issues I’ve had to a level of minimal disruption compared to some of what I’ve seen others go through. It hasn’t been easy, I assure you, but I’ve done it.

There’s more to my story of this past week, but I don’t really know that it’s relevant right now. I want to give you the link to a website where people with bipolar and other mental illness can reach out to find help and connect with others who are in the same boat. I hear they have some great support groups. I’m going to look into one in my area.

I hope that helps anyone who needs it. I hope it helps me.

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Bitch with a Capital “B”

Something has been off inside me. I’m not quite sure what. As someone who normally prides herself in knowing what’s going on in her noggin, this is pretty goddamn unnerving. It’s not one of my usual cycles, so I’m thrown for a loop. Let me give you a few examples of what I’ve been experiencing.

The other night the BF and I are curled up on the couch watching the Dark Night Rises. Awesome flick right? No amount of chick-flick-ness at all. Yet mid movie, I break out in tears. I wasn’t thinking about anything depressing, it wasn’t anything in the movie that triggered it. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I WAS CRYING. This is so not normal. I only cry when I have a reason and even then I sometimes don’t cry.

Yesterday, I have the creepy crawly feeling. That has happened before, but it’s usually in conjunction with an unpleasant though (or thoughts) as well. I wasn’t thinking anything creepy, I was just trying to write my book.

I have been a Bitch lately. Notice the capital “B”? It’s been that bad. I have no patience with anything and I flux between wanting to be totally alone and being beyond needy. This is also abnormal for me. It sometimes happens in my mixed episodes, but if this is a mixed episode, it’s unlike any I’ve ever experienced before.

Not that anyone cares to hear this, but that wonderful week of the month is coming up, so maybe thats it? It’s not usually like this for that reason either. I’m beyond lost. I was talking about all this with the BF and he decided to try to make a funny. He said, “What if you’re pregnant?” after which he got smacked on the shoulder. Five kids between us is more than enough. Besides, my factory was shut down long ago.

Good news is I cranked out over 2,000 words in the book, bringing the total word count up to almost 6,000. I think what I wrote yesterday is stronger that what I’ve written before. Maybe the emotional turmoil I’m going through is good for the book. Sounds like a good excuse for being a Bitch anyways.

Crawling in my Skin

I sit here, trying to write.  There’s so much to this book and it keeps knocking around in my head, making me more than slightly bonkers. When I write, I usually listen to music. I can’t do quiet. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I have so many kids, but the quiet creeps me out. Plus, I love music.

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Headbanging, Beavis and Butthead style

Anyway, I’m writing (or trying to) and all these hard rock/metal songs keep coming on my Pandora. Apparently, I am too wound up to listen to this music because it is really making my skin crawl. I don’t mean that in a metaphorical sense. I mean my skin is actually crawling. It feels like I have bugs under my skin and it has me pretty freaked.

So I change my Pandora playlist. I guess listening to the music from Tim Burton’s flicks has a calming effect on me, because the crawling in my skin feeling is gone. Now I just want to kidnap Sandy Claws, Throw him in a box, bury him for ninety years, then see if he talks.

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It’s amazing how the strangest things can calm a person. Now that I’m centered (mostly) again, it’s off to created worlds and lives, only to destroy some of them. Today, someone in my book dies. *cue ominous music* Dun dun da dah!

Advice from the Alphabet

I came across a writing prompt that encourages people to use each letter of the alphabet to write a piece of advice. Always up for a challenge, I decided I’d give it a shot. Here’s what I came up with. I hope you all enjoy. (Please forgive X, Y, and Z. They were harder than I thought.)

Ask questions

Bask in the sun

Connect with those who uplift you

Dance like no one’s watching

Expect the unexpected

Find beauty in all things

Giggle often

Hold your head high always

Ignite the passions within

Jump for joy

Kill ’em with kindness

Love like you won’t be hurt

Make time for those you love

Never give up on your dreams

Open you mind and heart

Practice patience

Quitting is not an option

Reach out and help someone

Slow down and enjoy the little things

Think before you speak

Understand a different point of view

Vocalize your needs to others

Welcome change

eXpand your horizions

Yolo

Zen

The Muse Has Returned

I have been on a high note lately and I’m really grooving on it. My plans for the future are taking shape a bit more and I’ve been kicking domestic ass. I’ve been on such a roll that I had to pause and ask myself, “Am I going manic?”

My answer to myself is, “I’m not quite sure.” You see, I’m taking vitamins and supplements again after not taking them for close to a year. I usually drag my butt during the day and always feel exhausted. This leads to me sitting on my ass and accomplishing little to nothing. When I used to take vitamins and supplements, I had a tendency to be more productive, so maybe it’s that? I think it just might be.

Either way, I’m grooving on the change. I’ve been able to get so much accomplished. In the past two days, I’ve managed to write over 3,000 words in my book. Considering all I have accomplished up to this point is write notes, plot outline, character profiles, write a journal from the main characters POV, and write the first chapter, it’s damn good work.

I know, that sounds like a lot. When you consider I decided to write a novel back in October, it begins to put things into perspective. I have now broken ground on chapter three and I’m thoroughly pleased with the way chapter two turned out. Chapter one will need some rework, but I was so focused on trying to get that right, it was discouraging me. I decided it would be in the books benefit to leave it be and come back to it later.

My creative juices are flowing full force. I already have another book idea. (Keep in mind the one I’m working on may end up being a three part series. I have too much going on with these characters to stop at one book) This new idea was actually inspired by one of my BF’s dreams. It was a pretty cool dream and I think it would make an even better book.  The dream was sci-fi fantasy based, so it’s right up my alley. I immediately asked him if I could use those details as a creative basis for a book. He agreed. YAY! Best. Boyfriend. EVER! I jotted down some notes until I can get into it further.

All in all, things are going wonderfully. Here’s hoping it keeps up after school starts!

Bloggin’ Ain’t Easy

I started this blog for a few reasons.

1) I wanted to connect with others who are bipolar and possibly achieve a sense of belonging. Or find out that I really am a total loon and should be locked away post haste.

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2) I like to write. I like to write often. I like to write borderline nonsense and ramblings. I like when people read my nonsense. Where better for that to happen (or have the illusion that it might happen) than in a blog?

3) I want to “expand my horizons” in writing while learning more about blogging. Honestly, when I started this blog, I had little to no clue what the hell blogging even was. Until I read an article in a blog about blogging. Whoa. Mind blown, right?

So here’s my issue. I’m slow when it comes to technology. I just recently figured out how to put pictures in my blog, for heavens sake. Now, I want to take things to the next level and customize more, but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to do some of the fancy things I see on other peoples blogs. It leaves me with a feeling of sadness and despair.

My friends, I do believe I have blog envy. (gasp) I know, I know. I’m as shocked as you. Hopefully my computer class this semester will give me the ability to make my blog as sexy as some of yours. Until then, please don’t judge me. My mommy says I’m special.

This entry was posted on January 15, 2013. 2 Comments

Mondays, Nurses, and Zombies

Let me set the scene for you. My kid has been sick since two Fridays ago. She had PNEUMONIA. Not a common cold, not the flu, but something that is known to have potential to be life threatening. Sure, modern medicine has lowered those mortality rates but the fact is that left unchecked pneumonia can still kill a person.

Last Thursday I noticed her flu seemed to be sticking around much longer than I was comfortable with. Her older sister had just gone through the same thing and wound up with pneumonia and I feared she was heading down that path as well. So I take the kid to the doctor like any decent parent would. Sure enough, she has pneumonia. The doctor prescribes an antibiotic and rest, then sends us on our way with instructions to call back on Monday if the kiddo’s not better.

It’s Monday. She still looks like death. Not even death warmed over. Just death. Pale, eyes sunken in, slightly slack jawed. If I didn’t know better, I’d be concerned for the safety of my brains. I keep expecting to hear growling and slurping sounds from her as she comes at me with every intention of having me for breakfast. Thankfully, my child isn’t a zombie… Yet.

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This image seriously creeps me out.

Being that it’s Monday and I’m still fearing that the transformation may be just around the corner, I decided to follow the doctors orders and call her back. It seems like sound reasoning, right? If the doctor says to call back, just do it. Nike style.

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It seems as if the nurse I spoke with this morning wasn’t appreciating my sound judgement. Yes, I know that even with medication it takes a while to get back to normal. She’s no where near normal, though. Nearing brain munching status is not normal for my kid, I assure you. Yes, I’m aware that my pediatricians busiest day is Monday. Frankly, I don’t give a shit. I don’t think the doctor does either, or she wouldn’t have told me to call on a Monday. She would have told me to call back Tuesday instead. Yes, the doctor can call me back. My pediatrician is fucking amazing and has great bedside manner, even over the phone. It’s a skill you should try to adapt, honey. Might make your life and the lives of those around you a tad bit easier. Hell, the doctor even called me on Friday to see how both of my kids were doing. That’s why I chose her to be their doctor. She rocks!

Now, I know everyone can have bad days and take it out on others without meaning to. I’ll be the first to admit to doing it, but when I call my doctors office and some of the first words out of my mouth are “the doctor told me to call back”, I don’t expect you to argue with me. The conversations I have had with her over the past few weeks dealing with two sick kids are between us. I don’t expect you to know them verbatim. Even with how amazing my kids doctor is, I don’t think she puts every word we say in her records. What I do expect is that when I call regarding my sick child, you listen to me. Respect me as a parent and my child as a patient. If I tell you I am following doctors orders by calling back, respect the doctor as well.

I am in no way discounting nurses and their profession. I think it is a noble field of work and it’s one that I would be still headed into had my body not decided to go all wonky on me. However, the doctor is the person who has been seeing my sick child. She’s the one who knows my family, me, my kid. The one who knows that I’m not the type of mom to drag my kids to the doctor every time they get a sniffle. Hell, I have so many of them that if I did that, I’d live at the doctors office! So, leave a message for her to call me if you need to, but please drop the attitude. Everyone else has their own case of the Monday’s. They don’t need yours added to it.

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