I feel like Julia Roberts. Bette Davis. Hallie Berry. Elizabeth Taylor. Sally Field. Audrey Hepburn.
You know, Oscar winners. Yeah. It’s that good. Well, maybe not, but dammit I’m running with it. As a writer, it’s nice when others pat you on the back and say “good job”. Hell, as a human it’s nice. So when I got nominated by fellow blogger Michael Allan Leonard for the “Very Inspiring Blogger” award, tears welled up in my eyes as I contemplated my acceptance speech. How would I acknowledge the masses adoration for me? I decided blatant sarcasm and general smart assery were the most genuine forms of thanks I could bestow upon the little people.
You know it’s real because there’s an official picture. Whoo hoo!
First, I must thank the man who made this all possible. Michael, stand up and take a bow. Your blog makes me laugh, it makes me cry, and it touches that special geeky place in my heart. Thank you for all you do in your blog and for following my incessant ramblings without loosing your noodle as well. You honor me. (This part is not sarcastic or in the spirit of smart-assery. What’s to come, well, that’s a different story.)
To the rest of my adoring fans, I extend my thanks to you in the form of advice. It gets lonely up here at the top, so I want all the little people to know that they can make the climb as well. Without further adieu I bring you my Do’s and Don’ts of Blogging.
Do write only for yourself. Entertaining others is unimportant. Besides, if you’re awesome, they’ll be entertained anyways.
Don’t take the time to spell check. Spelling errors add character to your writing and help others feel your essence through your writing.
Do use Ebonics and text speak in your writing. We don’t have all day to read what you’ve written because what we are writing is so much more important to us. Using these tools will help you shorten your body of work.
Don’t consider your content before posting. We love reading 10 paragraphs about how cute the new Tu-tu you got for your dog/child/cat/raccoon is. (If you choose to write about that Tu-tu, whatever you do, do NOT make those 10 paragraphs funny. We hate humor. Avoid it at all costs.)
Do avoid the use of “big” words. In fact, avoid may be too big. Any word over three syllables should be removed from your vocabulary.
Don’t read other blogs. Don’t comment, don’t like, don’t even look at them. Acknowledging other’s accomplishments takes away from your own.
If you follow these tried and true methods, you’ll be sure to get nominated for epic awards just like I did.
With my nomination, there were some rules. Yes, a catch. You saw that coming from a mile away, didn’t you. I didn’t. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought all I had to do was smile and choke back tears while accepting my little golden statue. No. I have tasks to complete. Thanks Michael Allan Leonard for giving me even more to do. I guess my laziness hasn’t come across strongly enough in my blogs. Looks like I need to work on that. Sheesh.
So, the rules for accepting the Very Inspiring Blogger award are:
1. Display the award logo on your blog. (Check)
2. Link back to the person who nominated you. (I think I’ve accomplished this a few times)
3. State 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.
5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.
Seven things about me. Man, I’m so awesome, I don’t know where to start…
1) I have had no less that 50 hair-brained schemes to make money while being my own boss. Nothing has ever come from any of it, but I hope and pray that my most recent scheme works. Writing. I want to make a living doing what I love. Working a 9-5 seems like it would be an ill fit for me for numerous reasons, my health issues being at the top of that list.
2) I have several guilty pleasures that most of my friends give me crap for on a regular basis. Twilight (both the books and movies), Nickleback (I don’t care what anyone says, I love this band), and crappy B movies are a few of the things I get the most crap for.
3) I am the black sheep of my family. I love them, they love me, but sometimes (well, most of the time) we just don’t see eye to eye. It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life, but I’ve come to grips with it and have a peace about it now. Like Popeye said, “I am who I am.”
4) I HATE centipedes. I’m good with almost any other bug unless I’m surprised by them, but centipedes make me scream like a horror movie slasher is after me. It’s embarrassing, really, but they are so gross. It doesn’t help that once, long ago, a centipede tried to take a bath with me. Grossest. Thing. Ever.
Just looking at this gives me the heebie jeebies. Ugh. It’s beady little eyes are staring straight into my soul.
4) My interests in anything and everything are all over the board. With music, movies, and hobbies people are often confused by my selections. I am an enigma. I like it that wa,y too. Or maybe I just want to believe I’m that mysterious. Meh, who knows.
5) I LOVE roller coasters! Love Love Love them! I get season passes every year to the local theme park so I can get my fix in. It’s one of my guilty pleasures for sure, but I’m passing the love down to my kiddos, so they get the benefit as well.
I can’t wait for the summer. There’s nothing like riding a coaster.
6) I hate living where I live. Ever sense I was little, I had dreams of getting out of here. Here I am, almost 30, and I’m still stuck. It seems as if my roots are a bit stronger than I would like to admit. That will change though. I just have to wait for the kids to get older. Hurray for divorced parentage. (blah)
7) I am addicted to stupid apps. I have about 10 game apps on my phone at any given time. It’s a problem. I’d like to tell you all that I’m seeking help for my addiction, but I’m not.
There you have it folks, seven facts about moi.
Now, to nominate fifteen comrades who knock my socks off. Here they are, in no particular order.
1) Snide Reply
This concludes my nominations and my ramblings. Now remember, don’t read their blogs. A good blogger never supports others. 😉