I apparently decided to treat my blog like a old raggedy journal and stuff it under my bed and forget about it for almost forever. Sorry blog!
I’m kicking myself for doing so. I forgot how therapudic writing can be. And boy, do I need some therapy right about now. Let’s just say life has been having a feels day with me lately. Yes feels. As in its making me feel as sorts of stuff. Some good, some bad, mostly stressful though. I’m not going to get into too much right now but let’s just say if you’re the praying/positive energy sending type, I could use some if you don’t mind.
There’s something that’s been bothering me lately that doesn’t seem to have much to do with my issues lately. Or maybe it has LOTS to do with it. I haven’t quite decided yet. Maybe you can help.
For the last few days I’ve needed to avoid Facebook altogether. Between the negativity and drama I can’t stand it. This is nothing new though. I’ve done this before. What’s new this time is I’m mad. Mad at some family and friends (Legitimately? Maybe? Maybe not?) because of the status of our relationships. As in I feel like I have next to no contact with some of them.
Now don’t get it twisted, I know for a fact that I’m not great at keeping in contact with people and that I’m part or even mostly to blame for the distance I’m feeling. What gets me is when I ask people to come by or try to make plans with them and they say they’re too busy or they’ll have to get back to me and never do. Then I see pics and statuses on Facebook about how they’re having so much fun going out to do this or that or, even better, complaining that they have nothing to do.
Now I know what you’re thinking. But what if they had those plans before you asked? What if they had plans and they fell through? Okay I could see that. But all the time? It gets hurtful.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive. Maybe I shouldn’t care. But these are people in my life who mean the world to me and I really want to be closer to them. I wonder if that matters even more to me now that I’m going through some stuff. Maybe I need shoulders to lean on and I’m not seeing any. Maybe they don’t know how bad I need them right now. It’s not like I’m great at admitting that. Better to get pissed than to actually show some vulnerability, right?
I’ve extended dinner invites, suggested going out for lunch, and said I miss you and it would be great to hang out. Maybe what I need to say is I love you, I miss you and I really need you in my life right now. And maybe add on, hey I’m a stubborn dumbass. Please check in on me if you haven’t heard from me in a week or two because it probably means I’m going through some shit and feel like I’ll drag you down with me if you’re around me.
Yeah that sounds like a plan. Now to implement it. Hmmm….