Tag Archive | angry

Nature’s Lesson of the Day

I had a rough day. On my way to school I had the beginnings of a breakdown. Not one for breaking down in public, I decided it would be best if I center myself before heading to class.

Quite a while back, I posted this blog about one of the many spots I like to go to around school when I’m feeling this way. That spot is nice, but it’s too close to school. I needed something more secluded today.

Right next door to my school, there’s a county park and golf course. While I’m not much for golf, I do love the natural scenery it has to offer.

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This is an instagram photo I took today. My first one ever, actually. I think it turned out quite nice. It’s taken from my favorite spot to sit. On the bank of the stream, there’s a rock that sits next to a tree. I sit on that rock often, listening to the water babble as it flows over the rocks and branches.

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I wasn’t in the mood to sit today, so I decided to head to the bridge. While there, I stopped, closed my eyes, and let my senses take in the surroundings. The sun felt warm on my skin. Birds were singing and everything smelled new. I opened my eyes, allowing my refocused self a chance to see the picture around me. The water on one side of the bridge was babbling, but just on the other side, the water appeared smooth as glass.

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Then, a thought came to me. In many ways, I am like that stream. The side that’s like glass, appearing calm and unmoving while churning below the surface is me most of the time. When my obstacles are small and hidden below the surface, I appear to be smooth and steady. What others fail to see is the churning below the surface. They don’t see the nasty tricks my mind plays on me. I appear calm and put together through years of practice.

On the other side of the bridge, the water has many obstacles in its path. Because of this, the waters movements are more visible. Right now, I am the water on this site of the bridge. There’s so many obstacles in my path, now the storm that brews beneath the surface has come to light. I can’t contain things in the manner I’m used to because so much had been put on my plate. Now all I hear is the incessant babbling of my mind. It’s maddening.

I hiked quite a way down the stream, contemplating all of this and what it could mean for me aside from some insight and a decent blog topic. There’s a point on the trail where it circles around a tree and heads back the way you came. There, I noticed a small tributary. This got me thinking.

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This tiny creek I isn’t churning up the water. It’s feeding the stream, giving it more life force. Without it and others like it, the streams water level would lower, exposing more rocks and obstacles, making the stream have to work that much harder. The stream could even dry up without these little creeks.

I have isolated myself recently. It’s partially because I’ve been so busy I don’t have time to be social. There’s a large portion of it that’s intentional though. When I’m like this, I’m not easy to deal with. Everything ticks me off, and if it doesn’t tick me off it will probably make me cry. I have zero tolerance for anything I deem as stupidity. I don’t want to be around people and, with the way I am, I figure it’s better for others not to be around me.

The problem is I’m running low. My stream is drying up. I need others in my life, whether to lend a helping hand or to have a shoulder to cry on. I’m realizing that part of taking care of me also means caring for those connections. Now to try to find the time….

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The Chaos Continues

Almost midnight. My insides are all mixed up, turned upside down on themselves. These past weeks have been as crazy as the ones before. It seems out never slows down these days. The chaos never ends.

Doctors are pretty useless these days. In my case and my daughter’s. I keep trying to get a hold of my psychiatrist, leaving messages and never getting a return call. Maybe I should stop calling at midnight and deal with it during office hours, but I can never remember. Then, a whole slew of doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with my kid and she’s getting worse. I’m lost beyond lost.

The rest of my children seem to think that it’s a good time to act up and get in trouble. One is so sassy that I’ve been getting reports from school saying they’re having major issues there too.

School it’s barely hanging on by a thread. I’m still in two classes, but even that’s proving to be a struggle. I’ve decided to take a break from the English degree for a year while I get my massage therapy licence. It will be nice to make some money while going to school.

All in all, I can safely say I’m not sure how I haven’t lost it yet. I’m close to it, especially these past few days. I can feel the anger building up inside me. When I’m not angry, I’m depressed. Seems I’m always on the verge of tears these days. My thoughts are racing and all I can seem to think is negatively. This is the most wicked mixed episode I’ve had in a long while. I just hope I can keep it together through this…