Tag Archive | college

The Chaos Continues

Almost midnight. My insides are all mixed up, turned upside down on themselves. These past weeks have been as crazy as the ones before. It seems out never slows down these days. The chaos never ends.

Doctors are pretty useless these days. In my case and my daughter’s. I keep trying to get a hold of my psychiatrist, leaving messages and never getting a return call. Maybe I should stop calling at midnight and deal with it during office hours, but I can never remember. Then, a whole slew of doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with my kid and she’s getting worse. I’m lost beyond lost.

The rest of my children seem to think that it’s a good time to act up and get in trouble. One is so sassy that I’ve been getting reports from school saying they’re having major issues there too.

School it’s barely hanging on by a thread. I’m still in two classes, but even that’s proving to be a struggle. I’ve decided to take a break from the English degree for a year while I get my massage therapy licence. It will be nice to make some money while going to school.

All in all, I can safely say I’m not sure how I haven’t lost it yet. I’m close to it, especially these past few days. I can feel the anger building up inside me. When I’m not angry, I’m depressed. Seems I’m always on the verge of tears these days. My thoughts are racing and all I can seem to think is negatively. This is the most wicked mixed episode I’ve had in a long while. I just hope I can keep it together through this…

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Crazier than Nutter Butters

I really need to start taking notes when I get an idea for a blog. I had a great idea the other day when my craziness was at an all time high and now that some semblance of sanity has set in again, it’s gone. Poof. Like a fart in the wind. Oh well. Maybe inspiration will strike again soon.

Yes, I went crazy. I’m actually still kind of there, but just to a lesser degree. I managed to keep myself out of the hospital, but it took a fair amount of Xanax and a lot of patience on the parts of those around me. I’m not sure what caused this most recent decent into the darkness, but I know a few things that probably didn’t help. I find self reflection is one of the best ways to keep myself sane (or at least maintain the illusion of sanity). By acknowledging where I slipped up, I can do my best to avoid it in the future. So, here’s where I went wrong this time.

I stopped seeing my counselor. I see my shrinky dink (as I have so affectionately coined her) on campus. She’s great. She’s also ON CAMPUS. I’m a mom of five, a college student, and busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. That convenience factor is HUGE for me. It’s been winter break for the last six weeks and in that time, I’ve managed to only see her once. During the semester, we had weekly visits. It made sense. I was there practically every day anyways. Might as well. At the end of the semester, we decided it might be easier to meet every other week. That’s where I went wrong.

Any break from routine screws me up in the worst kind of way. This isn’t to say that I have every second of my like scheduled out. Oh HELL no! I would die if I had to live by a strict schedule. I do better with patterns though. A certain level of predictability. I usually try to schedule any appointments on the same days of the week and around the same times because then I can think, “Oh, it’s Thursday, appointment day. Do I have any today?”  That’s the kind of routine I strive for.

So, being used to a weekly schedule and switching to every other week may not have been disastrous had my whole entire routine not changed as well. I’m yammering on here though. I think you get the point. Lots of changes in routine all at once, bad. Little changes so things don’t fall through the cracks in my cerebral cortex causing me to loose my nutter butters, good. Mmmm. Nutter Butter. Aauuuhhhhh.. (Drools like Homer Simpson)

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Peanut buttery deliciousness, oh how I covet thee

I was also denying myself my car therapy time. For those of you newbies -Yes you in the back, it’s nice to see a new face! Welcome to my blog. Like it says, buckle up and savor the crazy- my car time is what I like to refer to as “self therapy”. I sing, I dance, I cry, scream, talk to myself in different foreign accents, whatever I need to do to let the crazy out in one of my most sacred spaces; my car. Yes, sometimes those who drive along side me get one hell of a show, but I don’t really care. Sometimes I’ll even interact with them, doing things that I know will make them look at me like I’m batty. I suppose it’s a bit like throwing a temper tantrum when I do that. I’m getting attention for all the wrong reasons at that point, but it’s attention so… you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

As you can see, my car time is whatever I need it to be. It’s very cathartic to have that release to let the nonsense out. Trust me, there’s a lot of it to be let out too. Since I haven’t been doing so, it’s been bubbling under the surface waiting to explode. That’s what it did too. All over my family. In some ways, I’m glad it was them because they love me and will forgive me. In other way, I feel beyond shitty for doing that, yet again.

As far as the bipolar scale goes, things could probably be worse. On the manic side of bipolar disorder, there often comes an impulse control issue. Many bipolar people have issues with drugs, alcohol, gambling, infidelity, spending unwisely, binge eating, disappearing and other behaviors that involve poor judgement. Then, there’s the depression side of things to add on to that. I’ve been lucky enough to only experience a few of those and keep the majority of issues I’ve had to a level of minimal disruption compared to some of what I’ve seen others go through. It hasn’t been easy, I assure you, but I’ve done it.

There’s more to my story of this past week, but I don’t really know that it’s relevant right now. I want to give you the link to a website where people with bipolar and other mental illness can reach out to find help and connect with others who are in the same boat. I hear they have some great support groups. I’m going to look into one in my area.

I hope that helps anyone who needs it. I hope it helps me.

Bitches be Crazy

Whoa. I was beginning to forget what my laptop looked like. I haven’t written in days, partly because of the holiday and partly because I’ve been busy reading a new book. Reading just makes me want to write my book even more. Then again, it also makes me feel like my writing is shit and I should throw in the towel. It’s too much conflict for my tiny brain to handle, so I’m ignoring both of my inner demons and just enjoying the book.

I had a major bipolar meltdown yesterday, getting pissed at the boyfriend for next to nothing. I feel like a total ass and I’m so lucky he forgives me and understands. After I got angry, I had a seizure. He took care of me even though I was an ass to him. I was upset with him because I wasn’t communicating my needs to him and he couldn’t read my mind. How dare he not be able to know my innermost thoughts without me vocalizing them. Well, I guess I really am a chick. I usually don’t fall into those types of patterns, but I suppose it was my day to be a total girl in the most annoying of ways. I guess..

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I’m going to be seeing my doctor soon. He doesn’t know the auditory hallucinations are back. I’m not sure if I want him to put me on something more or not. I usually don’t like being on medication and aim to be on the least amount possible, but with the way things have been, I’m wondering if it might not be time to shake things up a bit.

I’ve been debating on getting a job. As it’s been months since I received child support from my ex, it might be at a point where I need to. I’m just concerned with how I’ll be able to handle working on top of my other responsibilities. Dropping out of school is NOT an option and selling the kids on the black market isn’t either, so…

I guess I’d better get to bed now. Lack of sleep is one of the leading causes of bitchiness, you know.

My First Day of Acedemic “Freedom”

BLAH. Today has been one of those days. In all honesty, it started last night. No sleep. Again. I managed to get in about an hour and a half before six am. Whoo hoo. The nap I took today helped a bit, but not too much. One of the kids is sick with the flu while the other has an asshat for a teacher. So I spent most of my day stressed. I guess that’s why I ended up having a seizure.

This is not at all how I pictured my first day off going. I wanted to get back to my book, to continue writing. I still have some basic editing to do of the first chapter before I can move on, so I wanted to do that.

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I did manage to find this crazy cool image.  It gives me more focus as to where I could go with character development and such. I also began keeping a journal in my character’s perspective. I hope that this will help me have a better sense of her as I write. I figure this will give me less headaches as I write the book. I won’t have to ask myself how she would react to something or what she would say because I will (hopefully) know her better thanks to the journal.

Being that I’m taking a creative writing course next semester, I thought about delaying my work on the book. Now that I have some of the characters outlined, they keep banging around in my head with no real purpose. They seem pretty forlorn and some are even flat out pissed. In the hour and a half of sleep I did get, all I could dream of was the three characters I have developed the most. I guess that’s their way of saying it’s time for me to write, even if I don’t have that class under my belt. If I learn anything useful, I can always go back and tweak things if I need to, right?

I never imagined that I would be attempting a novel in my life. I’ve had a lot of internal conflicts on where to go with this, but I think I’m going to stop worrying and just start writing. Most of my concerns have been what others may have to say about what I write or if it will be “right”. It’s fiction. It’s my book. If I’m happy with it and others aren’t, who cares? Unless they plan to pay me for it, that is. Then I think I might be able to care. Hehe.

Pseudoseizures: A Giant Pain in My ASS (or Rather, My Brain)

So I had all these intense, profound thoughts about immortality yesterday that I wanted to blog and then my brain went and scrambled itself. Stupid pseudoseizure. I need a damn voice recorder. (It was another solo therapy session. Yes, I was taking aloud.. to myself. I’m such a good listener and I always have such amazing things to say, so why wouldn’t I talk to myself?)

Anyways, due to this latest brain scramble, I forgot an important part of my English project. The peer review. Gah! I had everything else completed and that one page is going to cost me a whole letter grade. And that was my final!! I’m just a wee bit pissed at myself right now. Maybe that’s why I can’t bring my amazing immortality monologue to the forefront.

Guess I’ll try to piece it together later. Hopefully it will work because it was friggin awesomesauce.